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passion, passion, i want passion!

So, you wanna hear how it’s going with the new bloke? Weeeellllllll, a mixed bag. He’s lovely and stable and all, but…….backward in coming forward? He never seems to want to kiss me! I initiate the kissing every time, including in bed.

Then when he does kiss me to say hello or goodbye, they’re stunted, constipated little kisses that uggh! turn me off. It’s a wonder we have sex at all. What is wrong with the bloke? We’ve only been seeing each other for about five weeks. This is meant to be the passionate period. I don’t get him at all. I think he’d rather be doing d.i.y. And then there’s the texes. ‘Lovely day ou there’. ‘Good morning x’. Great. My dad could write those tex. Where’s the personal touches? Oh god, I’ve gotta finish it haven’t I? Be on my own again. Shite.

I feel welcome round his house, but I don’t feel desired. I feel like i’m waiting, waiting, waiting to see him, when i’m at work, etc, then when I finally go to his house I still feel like i’m waiting waiting waiting somehow. Frustrating. And sad. I’ve got over wanting to spend the whole day in bed with him ( it’s clearly not gonna happen, am I the only woman in the world that wants to do this with her lover? I’m beginning to feel a freak for wanting to ). But a good snogging session would be nice. He’s said he likes snogging, so why isn’t it happening?

Still stupidly pining after nutcase ex. God help me. Seen him once in about five weeks. The fact is, he loved my pussy. He did. He loved to go down on me. With my period, or without. There’s no way that’s gonna happen with this man. No way on earth. I understand he can’t help that. But it is a problem for me. A dealbreaker? Possibly. I can’t spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn’t love my pussy. Love me, love my pussy, end of. I’m not spending the rest of my life without oral sex. Not when I’ve had it so good. Oh god, it was good! Why was dickhead so good in bed??? Stupid ol sex. I’m gonna have to do without for a while. Nooooooooooooo!!! I am though. What a depressing thought. It means making space for someone better though. Someone more expressive with their affection, someone who doesn’t act like it costs money. I have a feeling he’s tight too. We talked about dinner and it didn’t happen. We haven’t been out together in public yet. What’s that all about? Do we both know subconsciously it aint gonna last? Hmmmmmm.

All I’ve had today was a ‘Good morning x’. So I texed exactly the same back. See how he likes his genericisms. ( Not sure if that’s a word! ).

Ah well, time will tell folks. Time will tell……….

new bloke………………..

Well, lots has happened. Got a new bloke. The one I was having an affair with nine years ago. Thought it was only six. 2004. Wowzer. Not proud of my behaviour. We last met up when I was nine months pregnant and looking like Mr Greedy. Funny that we’re back together now. Father-of-my-child approves, which is nice. He just didn’t approve of my behaviour, which is totally fair enough. Oh but this bloke……He’s lovely, he’s stable….boring…? A couple of things have happened to make me think he’s not keen…..Still thinking of my ex. It was all so…easy with him. I’m sure we’ve been together in a previous life. There was no awkwardness, no shyness, sex was amazing….it’s pretty good with the new bloke, but…he doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about doing certain things as my ex was. Maybe he just does them differently. But with not as much gusto!!! Can’t stop thinking about the ex and feel guilty about it….haven’t seen him at all. I wonder how i’ll feel if I did see him. His smell, his chest, his lean but muscular arms….new bloke’s chest isn’t as lean. He’s ten years older than me. Very handsome, sexy. Stable. Lovely to be with someone stable. I feel safe. Maybe that’s what I should focus on. No-one says I can’t think about my ex. Wish I could just see him walk down the street, see how I feel. Was so weird when we had sex last Friday. I was so turned on I couldn’t feel him! Weird! But then it was ok.

See how it goes. We went out separately on Saturday night, then he texed to see where I was, so I told him, and he didn’t ring me till two in the morning, by which time I was pissed off. But then I still went round his house, got into bed, and he didn’t reach for me all night, or all morning. That would never have happened with ex. I can’t expect two men to act identically, but if you realise the girl you’re seeing is in your bed, surely you want to reach for her???? Hmmm. So this is why i’m having doubts.

Re-reading Erica Jong, for the nth time. It helps. It just goes to show my tiny issues are ancient and universal and will repeat themselves over the generations.

Need to get back to me. Which is why i’m writing. Am I inventing the feelings I have for him? Am I overlooking stuff? No, I will talk to him about this stuff. I tried calling him last night and he texed to say he’d only just seen his phone. It’ll wait. Can’t go back to ex. I know there’s no future there. But sometimes I felt so amazing with him. Just sitting in the pub, watching the match. But then, that’s usually when the problems started, when alcohol was involved. It’s such a shame, it’s a right old pisser.

New bloke is sweet. Need to chat to him though. Hope he’s not gonna turn out to be ’emotionally retarded’ like Madonna described Guy Ritchie. He’s not giving much away at all, playing it cool. But I managed to play it cool too, and he’s now texed me twice today.

Aah, relationships! Where would we be without them? Where would I be without Erica Jong’s books? Let’s wait and see. Wait and see where this one goes. Really fancy staying at his in the summer, naked sunbathing. It’s got a beautiful view. He’s mentioned getting me a key cut for the summer, so he is seeing me in his long term plans. Sometimes it just seems he could take me or leave me. I’m used to mad passion! I didn’t eat for a week when I met the ex. Maybe it’s better this way. A slow burn. I’ll try not to think of it as boring. Must be mature.

So i’ll leave you now, bloggy woggy. Have a read. Feel slightly better. It’s up to the tao.

Adios x

Aside

The man-from-faraway

Spoke to the faraway man today. Oh. My. God. Naughty. Very naughty. It all started innocently enough. But then descended into carnal depravity. Great stuff. God knows what would happen if we lived in the same town. We probably wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of each other. Or we’d fuck each others brains out for a while, then get bored.

Got rid of Mr Abusive. Well done me. Had to go to a five hour induction yesterday before I start my super duper job at a not so super-duper supermarket. Ah well, it’s a job. Until someone spots my undeniable talents on here and i get publishing houses begging me to write more of this literary gold.

But oh my. The things I ended up saying. He was quite sweet. He remembers things we did five or six years ago. I know he lives with his girlfriend, which is very naughty on his part, and on mine. But he’s helping me get over Mr Abusive. It;s just a little bit of attention, he seems to really know me, even though the real time we’ve spent together is only a matter of hours.

We had facebook sex. Twice. Is that possible? Totally ridiculous? Oh my god, i’m thirty seven, should I know better? Crazy. He said he’d play with me all night, until I couldn’t take anymore. Seductive stuff, for me. Is that wrong? I would love to do that right now. But like he says, is it just about the sex for me? Well no, actually. I adore kissing. Kissing is so erotic. Laughing, talking. Ooh, sooo glad I got rid of Mr Wrong. We did have laughter, and we talked-about everything. Especially sex. Which is probably why it lasted as long as it did. He wasn’t totally bad. But when he was bad, he really was horrid. I think if i’d had better self-esteem it may have ended sooner. Having more friends may have helped. Who knows. It was obviously something I had to go through, and I know I won’t let it happen again. Even though i’m not with baby-daddy, that relationship gave me a model of what a non-abusive relationship is, how it should feel.

But ooooh, today was a tonic. Was great to talk to the man-from-faraway. He still wants a ‘naughty’ photo of me. I don’t know. Is there any love there, on his part? When I said I was going, he said, ‘ok, laters’. ‘You never send me any love, why so cold?’ I replied. So he sent me loads of x’s and a photo of some bugs mating that he’s called ‘Love thang’. Erm, when written down, that sounds really rubbish. But then i’m not in love with him. Then he referred to me as Love thang later on, and said I was a ‘great excuse for coming here’. Hmmmmmm. As Ivanka Trump says, ‘It eeees what it eeees’.

So what is it? An e-relationship. Hope he does come over, sometime this year. In the meantime, obviously, I will live my life. I will not get obssessed, as I used to be over him. Oh yeah, mega. An obssession that lasted for years. We share the same birthday. I will ‘keep something back’ as my step-mother ( so wisely ) advised me to do on the embarrasing only occasion she met Mr D-head.

But it would be amazing to see him. It’s a rare thing. It’s one of the lovely aspects of getting older-you don’t get so terribly lovesick anymore. Awful unrequited obssessions. I don’t think I could feel that way about anybody now. I would love to fall in love again.  Hopefully next time I will take my time. Knowing me I probably won’t. But I don’t feel so desperate anymore. My friend said to me ‘just don’t be desperate, for fuck’s sake’. And it really hurt. Coz he was right, I was feeling like that, just after i’d finished with dickhead. But now i’ve mellowed out a bit. This is the first friday in ages where I haven’t been out or been with him, and it feels ok. I also haven’t drank yet. Whoo! Here’s to serenity and sobriety. Long may they stay…………………

 

 

 

Aside

Don’t know what to write today but a lot has happened. Managed to get a job in the new supermarket that’s opening in my hometown-out of the frying pan into the fire maybe but it means i get my weekends back, hip hip, hooray!  It means that i can’t do yoga anymore tho-booo!
So i let my- what do i call him-boyfriend? No, i haven’t committed to him that much-er, lover ( how glamorous! ) read my previous post. Oh my god, what an idiot. I’d totally forgotten what i’d written, so he got to read all about my mini-interest in the guy in the hardware store. Great! Nice one, baby, way to go. He asked me to leave, so i almost did, then he asked me to stay and we talked about it. I reminded him that i was single at the time of writing. And what i say one day doesn’t necessarily hold up the next. I reserve the right to be completely fickle.
So i wanna go see Rupert Everett in his play in London. How i love London! The trouble is, who with. I’ve already mentioned it to bad boy, who is all for it, of course. But i’m having doubts again. ‘It is unseemly to love someone you wouldn’t wish to marry’- to quote Erica Jong once again- or rather, to quote her central character who reads ‘Love Rules’ from an ancient eighteenth century text. Unseemly indeed. But can you blame me? My life is pretty tough during the week. I’m bringing up my son alone, and i work part time in a crappy job. Can you blame me for stealing a bit of pleasure during my all too brief weekends? I can’t see us getting back together properly. Don’t think i want him near my son. Want a proper man. With the sexiness. Am i ever gonna find it in this godforsaken island? It? I mean one! Or maybe i meant happiness.

Then there’s the baby hunger.                                        

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aside

Sex &; the country, or – how I got involved with a bad boy………

Soooooooooooo….went to my yoga class, it was pretty good. At least the teacher came round and made sure everyone was doing what they were supposed to be doing. I get the feeling that the classes are always varied, which is unlike some of the classes i’ve been to. And the class has a say in what we do that day. Excellent. Something to keep in mind when I become a yoga teacher. Because…yes world, i would like to become a yoga teacher. There, i’ve said it. I’ve been brave. That’s my declaration to the world. Stop sniggering at the back. I’m gonna amass all the info and help I can get, and go for it. Doesn’t matter if it takes time. I’m expecting it to. But I can’t go on being a checkout girl forever. I have to try. And then if i fail, fair enough. But I have to give it a bloody good go. Managed not to tex the ex. Managed some self-love too. Not the same. Nowhere near. But it’ll get me through, for now. There is a cute-ish guy in the local ‘hardware store’, as they say, in America. He’s kind of dark ginger. He spoke to me the other day, practically told me his life story. He’s just split up from his girlfriend, he’s selling his house and finding a one bedroom flat here, or at least i think that’s what he was saying. Maybe he likes me? Hmmmm. I’ll have to think of a reason for going there….my house’ll look amazing……Valentine’s day is coming up… Wonder what his name is? Name’s are important. Loved my exe’s name. It doesn’t help with the separating process. My gate just went-is it him? No. When will i stop wishing it was him? I know he’s a dickhead, yet i’m still yearning for him. He’s behaved so badly towards me. He held me hostage at his flat a few weeks ago. I know why-he didn’t want me to go. But that’s no reason to keep me in his flat against my wishes. Miss the sex though. Miss it baaad. He has the most exquisite chest, and arms. Oh, that chest. Let me just think about it for a a while. Mmmmmmm. The smell of his armpits-ooooooooooooohhh. That’s what we had-an animal connection. In this chemical world of fakeness- fake smells, fake perfume, fake niceness-we had that. It was there before we knew it. Our pheromones had already registered each other, shook hands and were getting on like a house on fire before our eyes had even met. Game over. Common sense, sanity and good intentions don’t stand a chance when you have the insane chemistry that we had. Or do they? Am I over-romanticizing? The conditions were ripe. I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I no longer desired the partner I was with. Then along comes Mr Bloody Gorgeous, with his great dress sense ( my previous partner just wasn’t into clothes, in complete contrast to me ). I am a very visual girl. This guy was a very welcome treat. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not conventionally good looking, he’s actually kind of haggard looking ( he spent 12 yrs living abroad ), but chemistry and physical attraction are a very individual thing, and he totally did it for me. Boom! But nothing happened for a long time. I carried on living my life. I actually sometimes ran away when he started talking to my colleague. Proper crush stuff. Then we started saying hello. I felt guilty for even saying hello. My colleague reassured me I was doing nothing wrong, but still. Then I saw him in the local shop. ‘Hello’ he said, ‘how are you?’. Gulp. I said hello. That was all. Life went on. But that summer evening started something off in me. I started to fantasise about what would happen if……if I was single, if I could have carried on the conversation, if I could have found out more about him, there and then, carried on the conversation. But life dragged me back home, for now, with a swirling mixture of excitement at what had just happend mixed with a melancholia of how my life was actually going, at the time. How did I get onto this subject? Aah, happy memories, before it all turned to shit!!! No, something good did come out of it. I managed to leave an unhappy relationship-very very difficult for me, especially considering I had my son to think about. And I was very reliant on my ex, emotionally, and socially, as I didn’t have many friends. ( Still don’t, really, but it’s getting better! ). So, what am I left with? A slightly shell-shocked feeling, after having experienced a quasi-abusive relationship, something i’ve luckily managed to avoid until this point. After witnessing my mother go through a proerly abusive time, I never thought i’d let my do the same. But I now have an inkling of how women can stay with horrible men. It’s not as easy as just saying ‘oh just leave him’. When you have a connection with somebody in this life it is hard to give it up. Loneliness is a terrible thing. And when you have a strong physical connection-well I can only speak for myself, but it’s horrible to have to give it up. Sex is very important to me. Pleasure is lovely. And i’d been starved of it, for a very long time. So it was a kind of double whammy, when I met this guy. And now it turns out he’s not right for me either. It feels kind of cruel, I have to let go of those exquisite times we had together. Really amazing love and affection. So I have to believe there is someone better and ( dare I say it? ) more gorgeous out there for me. Perhaps Mr Hardware Store? I’ll have to wait ( o patience, where art thou?! ) and see…

new year, new……………….

here i am, giving it a go again….there should be a gigolo service in this town….you know, so women could get over bad men without getting back with them if the sex was good…if sex was all there was….but there isn’t, so instead i’m considering buying a rampant rabbit…wish me luck. Don’t really like plastic. Well it doesnt’t replace kisses, stroking, the feel of someone lying on top of you, conversation, laughter, the human stuff. It’s a cheap(ish) thrill instead.
I do miss him. Even though he’s a dickhead. I want to see him now but he’s probably working. More friends would be good. Need more distraction in my life. More more more. Might go to yoga tomorrow. Try and fill my life up. How does the song go? ‘One man-it aint what all that life’s about’. That’s all my life’s been about. Men men men. I remember craving one when i was 13. Thirteen!!!!
So the man-from-faraway sent me a photo of his erect penis. Great. Did he think it would turn me on? Erect penis’s aren’t the prettiest of sights. Naked women are beautiful. Naked penis’s…laughable. He wants me to send one of me, back to him. Is this wrong? I guess so. No, i’m not doing it. Still, the attention is nice. Pathetic. A bit of male attention makes my day! It’s january. Worst time of year. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggg.
This blog is a bit shit, but never mind. I’ll keep plugging away, adding to it. Imagine someone’s reading it, out there in outer space. Pigsssss innn Spaaaaacceeeeeeeeeeeee!
Wish he’d tex me. Wish i could have the sex without the bother of an emotionally poisonous man. Wish he wasn’t so dangerous. A ‘zipless fuck’, as Erica Jong said. Love her work. My heroine. I could read her books all day long. Not the poetry though. Sorry, Erica! Yes, a zipless fuck would do nicely, thanks. Someone to fly into my bedroom and fly out again. Lovely. Like i said, this town needs a gigolo. Or maybe it’s just me. Don’t care how, i want it NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( sang in the manner of Veruca Salt ).

x

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