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Sex &; the country, or – how I got involved with a bad boy………

January 17, 2013

Soooooooooooo….went to my yoga class, it was pretty good. At least the teacher came round and made sure everyone was doing what they were supposed to be doing. I get the feeling that the classes are always varied, which is unlike some of the classes i’ve been to. And the class has a say in what we do that day. Excellent. Something to keep in mind when I become a yoga teacher. Because…yes world, i would like to become a yoga teacher. There, i’ve said it. I’ve been brave. That’s my declaration to the world. Stop sniggering at the back. I’m gonna amass all the info and help I can get, and go for it. Doesn’t matter if it takes time. I’m expecting it to. But I can’t go on being a checkout girl forever. I have to try. And then if i fail, fair enough. But I have to give it a bloody good go. Managed not to tex the ex. Managed some self-love too. Not the same. Nowhere near. But it’ll get me through, for now. There is a cute-ish guy in the local ‘hardware store’, as they say, in America. He’s kind of dark ginger. He spoke to me the other day, practically told me his life story. He’s just split up from his girlfriend, he’s selling his house and finding a one bedroom flat here, or at least i think that’s what he was saying. Maybe he likes me? Hmmmm. I’ll have to think of a reason for going there….my house’ll look amazing……Valentine’s day is coming up… Wonder what his name is? Name’s are important. Loved my exe’s name. It doesn’t help with the separating process. My gate just went-is it him? No. When will i stop wishing it was him? I know he’s a dickhead, yet i’m still yearning for him. He’s behaved so badly towards me. He held me hostage at his flat a few weeks ago. I know why-he didn’t want me to go. But that’s no reason to keep me in his flat against my wishes. Miss the sex though. Miss it baaad. He has the most exquisite chest, and arms. Oh, that chest. Let me just think about it for a a while. Mmmmmmm. The smell of his armpits-ooooooooooooohhh. That’s what we had-an animal connection. In this chemical world of fakeness- fake smells, fake perfume, fake niceness-we had that. It was there before we knew it. Our pheromones had already registered each other, shook hands and were getting on like a house on fire before our eyes had even met. Game over. Common sense, sanity and good intentions don’t stand a chance when you have the insane chemistry that we had. Or do they? Am I over-romanticizing? The conditions were ripe. I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I no longer desired the partner I was with. Then along comes Mr Bloody Gorgeous, with his great dress sense ( my previous partner just wasn’t into clothes, in complete contrast to me ). I am a very visual girl. This guy was a very welcome treat. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not conventionally good looking, he’s actually kind of haggard looking ( he spent 12 yrs living abroad ), but chemistry and physical attraction are a very individual thing, and he totally did it for me. Boom! But nothing happened for a long time. I carried on living my life. I actually sometimes ran away when he started talking to my colleague. Proper crush stuff. Then we started saying hello. I felt guilty for even saying hello. My colleague reassured me I was doing nothing wrong, but still. Then I saw him in the local shop. ‘Hello’ he said, ‘how are you?’. Gulp. I said hello. That was all. Life went on. But that summer evening started something off in me. I started to fantasise about what would happen if……if I was single, if I could have carried on the conversation, if I could have found out more about him, there and then, carried on the conversation. But life dragged me back home, for now, with a swirling mixture of excitement at what had just happend mixed with a melancholia of how my life was actually going, at the time. How did I get onto this subject? Aah, happy memories, before it all turned to shit!!! No, something good did come out of it. I managed to leave an unhappy relationship-very very difficult for me, especially considering I had my son to think about. And I was very reliant on my ex, emotionally, and socially, as I didn’t have many friends. ( Still don’t, really, but it’s getting better! ). So, what am I left with? A slightly shell-shocked feeling, after having experienced a quasi-abusive relationship, something i’ve luckily managed to avoid until this point. After witnessing my mother go through a proerly abusive time, I never thought i’d let my do the same. But I now have an inkling of how women can stay with horrible men. It’s not as easy as just saying ‘oh just leave him’. When you have a connection with somebody in this life it is hard to give it up. Loneliness is a terrible thing. And when you have a strong physical connection-well I can only speak for myself, but it’s horrible to have to give it up. Sex is very important to me. Pleasure is lovely. And i’d been starved of it, for a very long time. So it was a kind of double whammy, when I met this guy. And now it turns out he’s not right for me either. It feels kind of cruel, I have to let go of those exquisite times we had together. Really amazing love and affection. So I have to believe there is someone better and ( dare I say it? ) more gorgeous out there for me. Perhaps Mr Hardware Store? I’ll have to wait ( o patience, where art thou?! ) and see…

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