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new bloke………………..

March 19, 2013

Well, lots has happened. Got a new bloke. The one I was having an affair with nine years ago. Thought it was only six. 2004. Wowzer. Not proud of my behaviour. We last met up when I was nine months pregnant and looking like Mr Greedy. Funny that we’re back together now. Father-of-my-child approves, which is nice. He just didn’t approve of my behaviour, which is totally fair enough. Oh but this bloke……He’s lovely, he’s stable….boring…? A couple of things have happened to make me think he’s not keen…..Still thinking of my ex. It was all so…easy with him. I’m sure we’ve been together in a previous life. There was no awkwardness, no shyness, sex was amazing….it’s pretty good with the new bloke, but…he doesn’t seem as enthusiastic about doing certain things as my ex was. Maybe he just does them differently. But with not as much gusto!!! Can’t stop thinking about the ex and feel guilty about it….haven’t seen him at all. I wonder how i’ll feel if I did see him. His smell, his chest, his lean but muscular arms….new bloke’s chest isn’t as lean. He’s ten years older than me. Very handsome, sexy. Stable. Lovely to be with someone stable. I feel safe. Maybe that’s what I should focus on. No-one says I can’t think about my ex. Wish I could just see him walk down the street, see how I feel. Was so weird when we had sex last Friday. I was so turned on I couldn’t feel him! Weird! But then it was ok.

See how it goes. We went out separately on Saturday night, then he texed to see where I was, so I told him, and he didn’t ring me till two in the morning, by which time I was pissed off. But then I still went round his house, got into bed, and he didn’t reach for me all night, or all morning. That would never have happened with ex. I can’t expect two men to act identically, but if you realise the girl you’re seeing is in your bed, surely you want to reach for her???? Hmmm. So this is why i’m having doubts.

Re-reading Erica Jong, for the nth time. It helps. It just goes to show my tiny issues are ancient and universal and will repeat themselves over the generations.

Need to get back to me. Which is why i’m writing. Am I inventing the feelings I have for him? Am I overlooking stuff? No, I will talk to him about this stuff. I tried calling him last night and he texed to say he’d only just seen his phone. It’ll wait. Can’t go back to ex. I know there’s no future there. But sometimes I felt so amazing with him. Just sitting in the pub, watching the match. But then, that’s usually when the problems started, when alcohol was involved. It’s such a shame, it’s a right old pisser.

New bloke is sweet. Need to chat to him though. Hope he’s not gonna turn out to be ’emotionally retarded’ like Madonna described Guy Ritchie. He’s not giving much away at all, playing it cool. But I managed to play it cool too, and he’s now texed me twice today.

Aah, relationships! Where would we be without them? Where would I be without Erica Jong’s books? Let’s wait and see. Wait and see where this one goes. Really fancy staying at his in the summer, naked sunbathing. It’s got a beautiful view. He’s mentioned getting me a key cut for the summer, so he is seeing me in his long term plans. Sometimes it just seems he could take me or leave me. I’m used to mad passion! I didn’t eat for a week when I met the ex. Maybe it’s better this way. A slow burn. I’ll try not to think of it as boring. Must be mature.

So i’ll leave you now, bloggy woggy. Have a read. Feel slightly better. It’s up to the tao.

Adios x

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